There are a lot of disgusting crypto-desserts on Pinterest, but I chose this one because I’m no chef and figured it was safest to go with a "no cook", "no bake" recipe. Plus, it's "thrifty," and I can’t tell you how many times I've come home after a hard day at the imaginary office, smacked my lips meditatively and thought, "Mmm, I'm in the mood for something that tastes really…thrifty!"

So as the ad says "Why not try this salad today?" Well, there's literally a million reasons, but I'll just go with #45091: "If your aim is to poison a Russian dissident you're better off just putting a nerve agent in his tea, because he's gonna see this shit coming from a mile away."

Still, I'm pretty sure I can pull this dish off, because my grandmother used to make a version of it for Thanksgiving, except she suspended the cottage cheese in the lime Jello, rather than having it erupt out of the interior like so many maggots, and there was no tuna, because I guess she never really got over the Depression.

Okay, let's see...Package of lime gelatin...Yeah, that'll taste like crap, but at least it'll toughen up our toenails. Hot water...vinegar...salt...Mm, tastes like dessert already. Tub o' cottage cheese...Mayonnaise... Chopped celery...Y'know, this is more complicated than I thought. I need some volunteers from the audience—someone chop the onions, someone thinly slice the radishes, and someone drain and flake the tuna, okay? Just think of it as an Amish barn raising, except afterwards we'll eat the barn and it'll taste disgusting.

Wait, there's a problem...My store doesn't carry Borden's. Because I live in California. And the 21st Century. Damn! And despite that tone of blasé assurance at the bottom of the add, I don't have my own Borden's Man. Do any of you have your own Borden's Man? And if you do, will you unchain the poor bastard and let him out of the basement to help me?

Serves 6.